Best Nicknames Cont.

I know you all missed me, and now I am back after a week long hiatus so that I could delve further into the annals of sports to make sure I covered all the necessary sports to find the best nicknames of all-time. So now I will continue with my list at number 10.

10. David "Skywalker" Thompson:

If you can name one addition to the game of basketball that has revolutionized its popularity that was more exciting or important than the dunk, I would like you to write the column for me instead and I will resign. Lets face it, the dunk has been one of the more important additions to the game of basketball. Watching footage from the days of Cousy and Heinsohn are nostalgic and all, but it isn't as exciting as watching someone dunk.

Well, you can all thank David Thompson for its impact and introduction to basketball. In the early 70s college basketball was just beginning to shrug off the hangover that was the four corner offense which was about as exciting as watching a full round of the John Deere Classic. But then came along David Thompson who changed the game from a game of strategy and stalemate, to a game of explosiveness and fast paced offense. He is notoriously known as the inventor of the dunk, and as the first man who truly played the game above the rim.

Dominique Wilkins could dunk, but David Thompson beat him to the punch and really electrified the crowd with his high-wire antics. Not only that, but he is one of the best 10 college basketball players of all time. He had a purported 48 inch vertical leap. What better man to be nicknamed Skywalker than a man who was once taken out of a basketball game for dunking in the era when that sort of move was outlawed. He pioneered the art form of dunking before anyone else was even imagining doing it. Thats why he is at number 10.

9. Dave "Cementhead" Semenko:

Many of you are sitting there wondering "who the #$%^ is Dave Semenko?" Well to be honest I never had ever heard of him before using my unlimited amount of free time and access to obscure television like hockey on ESPN Classic. I watched the old oilers with Wayne Gretzky, and listened to Don Cherry continuously mention some dude named "cementhead" in concurrence with Gretzky.

It turns out Dave Semenko was one of the meanest and toughest players in the history of hockey, and was also Wayne Gretzky's personal bodyguard in the days when Gretzky was in desperate need of one. He played in over 500 NHL games and finished with less than 200 total points, but did manage to accrue 1175 penalty minutes being the enforcer of the greatest team in hockey history. He didn't have to score, his job was simple and easy. If someone touches Wayne Gretzky...hit him so hard he doesn't want to do it again. If someone threatens Wayne Gretzky...deliver a bone-crunching hit that left the guy dazed.

Whether he was a dummy, simple minded, or just a one trick pony, it is clear that this nickname is terrific for a man who had no purpose in the history of hockey other than to act as a bodyguard for the greatest hockey player in history and the ambassador to the game. Where would hockey and Wayne Gretzky without "Cementhead".

8. Muhammad "The Louisville Lip" Ali:

This one is a hotly-contested choice among my readership...my fan(s)...myself. His other nickname is "The Greatest" and frankly while it might be true, it just isn't clever enough to make a stingy list like mine. But "The Louisville Lip" is a great nickname.

First and foremost the alliteration always earns bonus points, and so does the aptness of the nicknames. Cassius Clay hailed from Louisville, Kentucky and his boxing career was as much about how much trash he talked as how good of a boxer he was. The real question people should ask is would Muhammad Ali be as popular and polarizing if he didn't run his mouth as much? My answer is no. Every athlete who has ever been outspoken for any reason has gained notoriety in his sport and the national news.

Ali was the forebearer of that trend. He was outspoken about his opponents, and how he would embarass them. He was outspoken in every single one of his interviews with Howard Cosell, which made for great TV, and most importantly he was outspoken about his responsibility to the United States Army and his drafting into the Vietnam War.

He earns number 8 not because he was a great boxer, but because he was the most entertaining sports figure of his time, and one of the most important pioneers in his generation. Did I mention his lip was always moving?

7. Rich "El Guapo" Garces:

This is my personal favorite nickname, but unfortunately I need to show some deference to the people who actually earned their nicknames, rather than just developed a catchy moniker that has endeared him to his hometown fans.

Growing up a Red Sox fan in the mid 90s I will shamefully admit that I knew very little about the intricacies of the actual team. All I knew was that Mo Vaughn was good, my dad loved John Valentin so I did also, and Rich Garces was the greatest man to ever grace the baseball field.....seriously. "El Guapo" could do no wrong in the eyes of Red Sox fans during his hey day.

For those of you that live in caves, or just aren't cultured enough to know even a little spanish, "El Guapo" means the Handsome One. What makes the nickname so good is that it is incredibly ironic, yet endearing all at once. It should be noted that Garces came up with this nickname on his own, or through his childhood, I can't remember and am too lazy to look it up. He was far from handsome however. He was about 275 pounds in his heyday with a very thin porno mustache, yet every time he jogged.....ambled......shuffled out of the bullpen, Fenway Park would go ballistic because he was without a doubt every Red Sox's fans favorite reliever during his tenure (keep in mind this isnt a difficult thing to accomplish when your bullpen consisted of Heathcliff Slocumb, and Rick Aguilera).

But just in case you needed any more reason to love this guy, he was pretty damn good. He goes down as the only man in baseball history who I have ever wanted to just hug with all my might as much as I wanted to see him in a close game with the outcome still hanging in the balance. From 1998-2001, his ERA never rose above 4, and in the Red Sox bullpen, that was phenomenal.

Best 15 Sports Nicknames Cont.

Best 15 Sports Nicknames of All-Time

I was at work the other day at the newspaper waiting for another high school soccer coach to call and name her entire defense as people that played well. I swear if high school coaches got their way when they won every one from the water boy to the kids parents would be mentioned in the 2 paragraph blurb in the paper.

But anyway, I was reading the sportswire, which I do always when I am bored, and I came across something that made me laugh while inspiring me at the same time. It was just a short story about how Dan Lauzon, a MMA fighter from Brockton, was going to be fighting Bla-Bla (not his real name) in 2 weeks.

But what really caught my name was Lauzon's nickname. "The Upgrade", just for the record that rolls of the tongue as Dan "The Upgrade" Lauzon... c'mon! that is the worst sports nickname of all time, it doesn't instill any fear in the opponent and frankly is just terribly unimaginative, so I decided to make a list of my top 15 sports nicknames of all-time.

15. Dominique "The Human Highlight Film" Wilkins
This nickname found its legs after watching a young, small and skinny Wilkins throw down some of the most athletic dunks of the early 90s. Seriously, this makes the list not only because it is simple, yet unique, but because it is so apt. Wilkins really was a highlight film early in his career. He is one of those basketball players who was really good relying on his ability to jump over everyone else on the floor. If you are going to have that kind of nickname you better be a staple on YouTube, and if you type in Dominique Wilkins dunks, you will see some of the most ferocious and exciting dunks in all of basketball, truly a highlight film.

14. Pete "Pistol Pete" Maravich
I put this name of the list because I would like to think this originated when someone was thinking about an ode to the western movies or stereotypes that spawned from those movies. Lawlessness, people who shot from the hip, drank heavily, and made love to loose women, in short did what ever they damn well please but they were also dangerous.
Pete Maravich fits that description, except he did it all on the basketball court. There were no rules or set plays or specific ideas on offense when Pete Maravich was on the floor. Watch "the Pistol" and you will see that Maravich was without a doubt one of the most selfish, independent, and improvising basketball players of all time. That being said, he was also probably the most dangerous offensive player in the league then. He could score from downtown, or beat you off the dribble. He most likely made love to loose women, but don't sleep while he was on the court because there was no one more entertaining.

13. Ted "The Splendid Splinter" Williams
The key to this nickname, what makes it flow so easily and sound so smooth on the ear is the alliteration, but it is also quite apt. Take a good look at a picture of Ted Williams and then try and guess his weight. This man was way over 6 feet and weighed right about 200 pounds... does it look like he weighed that much. He truly does look like a splinter, a wiry, long baseball player.
He was also quite splendid. Although he may not have looked like a man who had a lot of raw power, keep in mind this man hit 500+ home runs and had years in his prime taken away by that goddamn Nazi Hitler. He was the best hitter in the history of baseball and could hit doubles and home runs with just the flick of his wrist, if you don't believe go stand at the red seat in Fenway and then squint and find home plate 450 feet away. His almost mathematical and scientific approach to hitting is what made him so "splendid" and its the alliteration that really makes this nickname work.

12. Charles "The Round Mound of Rebound" Barkley
This is the first nickname to make my list which actually is funny! A comical character like Charles Barkley deserves a nickname that doesn't make people laugh outloud when they see it attached to his picture, but does make them smile and think about really great things that can go along with a great nickname and a great player.
What also makes this nickname terrific is again how apt it is. When Sir Charles, his dumber nickname, played in Philadelphia he was clearly playing a full 60 minutes of basketball, going through a case of bud light, and mixing that in with some late night Wendy's runs. To make it all more comical he was short. He only stands about 6 feet 5 inches tall and must have weighed upwards of 240 pounds which kind of makes me think that if we were to push him down a hill in the snow, he would make a great snowball... but hey thats just me. But he also carried himself with grace and tenacity. He athleticism in proportion to his stature and weight was quite absurd. He could lead the break, dunk and break your ankles on a cross-over. But what he definitely could do was rebound. For his career he average 11.7 rebounds per game and only finished under double digits once, his first season in the league.

11. Wayne "The Great One" Gretzky
This nickname truly says it all in one of the most obvious and simple nicknames of all time, and thats what makes it so great. Wayne Gretzky was and will always be the greatest hockey player to ever play the game. Its like when someone picks first in pick up basketball but doesn't know the name of the kid who he wants to pick, so he says, "I will take the good kid, who can jump high, and shoot well." Its an obvious statement but it goes understated just how truthful it is, especially in the case of Wayne.
It just makes too little sense for his nickname to be anything else. This type of player doesn't need alliteration or some funny play on his name, "freight train Wayne" or Wayne "the stain". Not only are these terrible examples to illustrate my point but they obviously don't do a man of Gretzky's talent or stature justice. "Insane" Wayne, Wayne the "Dane".... I just thought I would try a few more, see if I couldn't do better.

Its late at night and I am too tired to write out the rest of them now so I will be lazy and write the ....................to be continued

Hail Thee Josh Beckett

If I was really one of those lame Red Sox fans, I would take a page out of Nike's book and make red t-shirts with huge white letters across the front that say "Witness". But, I am the kind of Red Sox fan who roots for them from my own home without attending "Yay we made the playoffs" rallies and wearing a goddamn Red Sox track suit whenever I leave the house.

However, midway through the year I was still not sold on Beckett. When my friend asked me who I would pitch in game 7 of the World Series I answered without heisitation Curt Schilling. In the words of Roberto DeVincenzo, "What a stupid I am!". I still love the gamer Schilling is, but I was really forced to eat my own words big time with the way Beckett has pitched this postseason.

What we are witnessing in Boston, and for anyone who remotely cares about baseball as a whole, is the emergence of one of the greatest big game pitchers of all time. I am talking Jack Morris, Game 7 of the 91 World Series except multiply it by 7 or 8. Josh Beckett is rapidly becoming one of the greatest postseason performers in the history of all sports, let alone baseball. Allow me to prove to you what I mean.

Career Postseason Statistics:
W/L- 5-2
Innings- 65.2
Runs allowed- 13
ERA-1.78
Hits allowed-34
Strikeouts-73
Walks- 13
WHIP-0.72
Shutouts- 3

Now before we go on keep in mind that he has won his last 4 starts, including all three this postseason, and his record is 2-0 with a hold in games with the series on the line. Also if you throw out his terrible outing in Game 1 of the 2003 NLCS his ERA might actually be below 1. He is the kind of front of the line ace any team would wet their pants to get a hold of...hold on I have to go change my pants.

When Beckett first came to the Red Sox last season, he had the reputation of a good pitcher, with electric stuff, who was difficult to tame and also had trouble harnessing all his talent. In his first season in the American League that proved to be true. He was young and stubborn and even with Jason Varitek calling the game it was clear he was still trying to blow his great fastball by these hitters. As a result, he gave up a ton of homeruns, and although he was a rather reliable pitcher, his ERA was above 5 and he clearly wasn't scaring anybody.

This season has been a different story. On April 16th he went against the Angels and he was lights out for the most part, only allowing 1 run in 6 innings of work to improve to 3-0. But the best thing to see as a self-deprecating and extremely savvy baseball fan was that he was doing a much better job of hitting his spots with his fastball, and his curveball, which has always been great, was downright unhittable. I continued to follow the Red Sox all season and at the end of the season even I had to admit that CC Sabathia was probably more deserving of the AL Cy Young based on the sheer volume of innings he pitched and the fact that his stats were almost identical.

"I did not have doubting relations about that baseball player" There it was, you only see it once, a retraction of something I said which was clearly wrong. This postseason I am pretty sure he has proved that he deserves the AL Cy Young, now I know the votes have already been counted, but I have a feeling the announcement "CC Sabathia has won the AL Cy Young!" will have the same effect as "Mark Redman has been voted into the 2006 All-Star game for the Kansas City Royals." Beckett is just a better pitcher, Sabathia has comparable stuff, but reminds me of a young Beckett who still is learning how to effectively pitch.

After last night's performance in Cleveland where he basically walked out to the mound, shut down the Indians for 5 innings, almost got beat up by Kenny Lofton, and then continued to mow down Indians after the fact. I got to thinking about what makes Beckett perfect for the postseason, its always elusive and subjective to pin down certain characteristics that make him great, but hopefully I have a found a few.

1. Adrenaline:
Ever since Beckett started in this league he has made quick enemies by the way he wears he emotions on his sleeve, yells and shouts about just about everything on the mound, and basically takes offense to anything that anyone does that is in the least bit insulting. Plain and simple Beckett is an adrenaline junkie, he thrives on the roar of the crowd and the immense pressure of the situation.

For all that is said about the intensity Papelbon brings to the mound, Beckett might still have him beat. The man is a true gamer, Lofton flips his bat on some silly, meaningless at bat and Beckett immediately starts jawing with him.

I live for the moments in the late innings when everyone is standing at Fenway, cheering their brains off and Beckett strikes someone out and comes out the mound like he is charging the Brittish as a member of William Wallace's army.

Beckett just seems to have that extra reserve to be able to reach back for a lively fastball just when it looks like his pitching are losing their edge, and in the postseason that reserve is what seperates the special, from the above-average. Schilling used to have it, Mariano Rivera still has it, although it has lost its edge, and John Smoltz had it.

2-F*&% You!!
One thing that Josh will never be questioned about is his focus on the game of baseball. As much as I love Manny Ramirez basically lost in lala land while the postseason is going on, it is much more comforting to have someone who every day they are playing brings their gameface and their best effort.

Last night was a terrific example of how Beckett exemplifies the quality I am talking about. The first singer assigned to sing the national anthem drops out, so Cleveland reaches deep into their assorted bag of cheap, contrived marketing schemes (i.e. home run hankie) and decides to bring in Danielle Peck who Cleveland said is an native and "die-hard Indians fan". Ohh That must be why she is wearing a Red Sox jersey on her website, clearly she is admitting she is something like the Madden Curse where whatever she wears will do poorly....

Anyway it just so happens that Peck is also an ex flame of Josh Beckett, who keep in mind has joined the Mile-High Club with Leanne Tweeden. Well thank you Cleveland for delivering what most people call bulletin board fodder and I now call Fuck You Incentive.

Beckett was so distracted by the emergence of his ex-girlfriend that he decided to try and pick a fight with Kenny Lofton, allow a grand total of 5 hits, and only strikeout 11 batters. Seriously Cleveland, what was more likely, Beckett being rattled by the appearance of a woman he used to have relations with? or Beckett coming out in the 8th inning pointing at Mark Shapiro, who probably had nothing to do with it, and mooning him and punctuating that with the middle finger?

Instead Beckett went into a press conference, dropped the F bomb on live TV, made Joe Buck enraged with his use of foul language, and became instantaneously immortalized in Boston if he wasn't already.

The best part probably was that reporters went to his room this morning and he opened the door in his silk boxers with Danielle Peck hiding her naked body underneath the sheets...Ok I made that up, but seriously, Beckett has the stones to do it.

Thats only two because you guys are probably done reading already, but the best part is, Beckett doesn't care about his image with the public, he doesn't care if he upset a bunch of stiff TV anchors and advertisers, he just wants to win baseball games.

I can promise you that that kind of intensity and devotion is duly appreciated by his teammates in the locker room who must feel like Frank Thomas on TBS being carried by Ernie Johnson.

Pitchers like Bob Feller and Bob Gibson and Walter Johnson and Don Drysdale would throw the ball at your head, and then tell you to fuck yourself when you looked back at the pitchers mound.

Today the only pitchers I can say I would be scared of are Kyle Farnsworth, who still relishes someone charging the mound so he can spear them and land some haymakers to their face. Number 2 is Josh Beckett, who will throw the ball at your head at 100 mph, yell back when you yell at him, and then turn around and strike you out with a devasting curveball...and probably shout at you the whole way back to the dugout.

I am not going to lie, thoughts of joining the mile high club with Josh Beckett are getting a lot more exciting.

Handicapping the Heisman Race

Its playoff time

Well folks, Hockey season has started again... and still nobody cares. Instead people are getting excited to watch the battles of the division series in baseball where we have seen some dominant individual performances, some dominant team performances, and some poor managing that of course I will critique because I could clearly do a better job. Also I know what you are thinking, and no, hindsight is not 20-20 that has always been a rule amongst sports writers because when games end we get to pick the decision making apart as if we would have done better. So now I will implement that rule and give you a rundown of what I have thought about each series so far, starting in the American league with my Boston Red Sox

Red Sox v. Angels:
Game 1 certainly was a feel good game for any Red Sox fan that was particularly nervous about how are team was going to hold up after stumbling a little down the stretch of the regular season. Josh Beckett clearly put that uneasiness to rest with a dominanting performance. This is a guy who truly thrives off of adrenaline and it shows everytime he plays in big games. After a big strikeout he often comes off the mound and looks like someone infected with the rage from 28 days later, yelling and screaming and fist-pumping that puts John Papelbon to shame.

In this game it was different, he was completely in control of every single on of his pitches and you could just tell that the Angels, whose lineup looked like the Mariners lineup the night Clemens wiffed 20, had absolutely no chance at finding any rhythm against Beckett who didn't use a single fist pump or primal scream to vanquish the Halos. I will however withhold judgement because Dice K will be an adventure tonight, and Schilling is only beginning to get fully healthy, although I will still take Schilling over anyone in the playoffs outside of maybe Sabathia, Beckett and Webb. Other quick points.

• The one good thing about TBS playoffs is there is no more Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, who collectively are the bane of my existence.
• The Angels really need Juan Rivera, nobody named Maicer will ever strike fear in an opposing pitcher hitting 5th.
• The one thing I respect about the Yankees is their decision to not have the contrived publicity stunt that was a rally for the division playoffs. The Red Sox are like a media circus, the team, the ownnership and the fans need to act like they have been here before and go about their business the way New York does, its really pathetic.
• I will take a now healthy David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez and a throw in (maybe Mike Lowell) over any three hitters on any other post season team.

Yankees v. Indians:

I think it is a very bad sign for the Yankees that their most consistent starter got roughed up so badly in game 1. But I don't believe that Yankees fans have lost hope, first of all Lebron is rooting for them so he can always go off for like 65 points against Cleveland while Hideki Matusi stands around like Ilgauskas and A-Rod whines about not getting the ball enough like Drew Gooden. Also their lineup is frankly just too deadly to ever be counted out, especially against a team like Cleveland who doesn't have a single starter that has a lot of postseason experience.

I predict Carmona will be hit or miss tonight, he will either baffle the Yankees by keeping his sinker down in the strike zone and probably steal game 2 for the Indians because you know Petitte is too clutch to get rocked, or he will get shelled because of postseason jitters and the experienced Yankees hitters like Posada, and Jeter, and A-Rod will take advantage of that and send him to the showers early. The x factor tonight really is Carmona because Petitte is frankly just too solid to really get rocked and he will most likely set the bar around 3 or maybe 4 runs and it will be up to Carmona and whoever comes after him to keep the Yankees under that quota. Other thoughts;

• Can't you just picture Kenny Lofton and Paul Byrd taking full advantage of the fact that they are really the only two players who have substantial postseason experience. It must be like story time for Byrd and Lofton, "Yes guys we are washed up, but let me tell you a story about my 5.40 postseason ERA and how to accomplish something as incredible as that. Did you know Kenny used to be a feared lead off hitter who was a key cog in a number of post season teams when you guys still fought over who was the cooler the black power ranger or Leonardo from the ninja turtles?" They must relish it and bask in the spotlight, I mean Byrd got interviewed before Game 1 and he is likely to make no impact on the series whatsoever.
• You hear that coughing and choking sound, thats A-Rod struggling to force down an 0-2 with a runner left on base night. I still don't buy him as a scary postseason threat until he puts together a massive game like some of the ones he had in the regular season.
• Chien Ming Wang was followed by Russ Ohlendorf and Jose Veras, I can just see the "Spahn and Sain and Pray for Rain" rhyme now, "Ohlendorf and Veras, please Joba save us."
• Did I mention Kenny Lofton is 40 YEARS OLD!!! He must have his sights set on Julio Franco.

Rockies v. Phillies

I want to make it clear that I think if the Phillies were playing any other team in the NL playoffs right now they would have at least split the series and looked substantially better than they have against the Rockies. But the way the Rockies are playing right now they might as well be a Soviet Hockey team from the middle 70s, just a flat out buzz saw that is cutting down everything in their path. They are killing Philadelphia's pitching that looked so good down the stretch, and making Utley and Howard look silly up at the plate, although Howard has looked silly this season to the tune of 200 strikeouts.

Mark my words, the Rockies will sweep this series and I think they have a great chance of running the table on the Diamondbacks as well because right now their combination of timely hitting and solid but unspectacular pitching is a winning formula. They had 12 hits against the pitching of Philadelphia last night and probably could have had more if they weren't just trying to preserve the lead later in the game. Other notes;

• Troy Tulowitski is phenomenal, his stats may not measure to Ryan Braun's but he is far and away the NL Rookie of the Year, nobody that young and green should ever be as clutch as he has been. He is the remaking of Andruw Jones of the early 90s and 2000, he plays terrific defense and always has timely hits. If the Rockies are interested I hear Julio Lugo really likes the skiing in Vail, we can always trade?
• After all I just said about Tulowitski, Jimmy Rollins is the best shortstop in baseball right now and my vote for NL MVP no matter what Matt Holliday does the rest of the way. There is nobody more integral to the Phillies than Rollins and nothing illustrates that better than in the last regular season game him leading off with a single and stealing second and third. Matt Holliday just can't do that. Did I mention Rollins is going to be on Baseball Tonight once he retires, mark it down that is a sure thing.
• I mean Philly fans can always rely on the Flyers and the Eagles..........oooooh I love to rub it in.
• Breaking news! Willie Randolph has gained 10 pounds on beer and junk food alone watching this series.

Diamondbacks v. Cubs

Whether it be Bartman in 2003 or Zambrano coming out this year Cubs fans, and Red Sox fans also, love to find that one thing about a series they lost and point to it as the only reason they lost the series. Bartman didn't lose the series, the Cubs blew it, they pulled a Red Sox in 1986 except Bartman was a little less directly to blame that Bill Buckner was. This season I cannot say enough about how much of the wrong decision it was for Lou Piniella to take out Zambrano. I am pretty sure managers since Stengel has been quoted as saying "you take it one game at a time." and you play to win each and every day. That does not mean you take out your best starter in a 1-1 tie after 6 innings, if Zambrano really wants to win he will pitch again in Game 4 no matter how many pitches he threw. Piniella can stand by his decision but now he is in an 0-2 hole that he will almost likely not be able to climb out of. But hey, at least Zambrano is ready for game 4.

With all that being said it is not Piniella's decision that has cost the Cubs this series. Ted Lilly's 88 mile an hour chest high fastball to Chris Young is more directly at fault, and the fact that Soriano and Derek Lee, who were so pivotal for the Cubbies down the stretch, have mailed it in and gone a combined 4-27. When your best offense play of the postseason was a home run hit by Hernando de Soto, the influential and daring Spanish explorer and conquistador of the 15th century, you know you aren't producing.

• I am pretty sure Brandon Webb, Chien Ming Wang, and Carmona are all the same pitcher with different skins, kind of like a FaceOff Nicholas Cage type deal. They literally throw all the same pitches and get people out the same way, its really quite eerie.
• Will someone please tell me who Mark Reynolds, and Jeff Salazar and Chris Snyder are? Imagine if they win the World Series, they will set records for least number of people to care about a championship team. F.Y.I I am convince the fans in Phoenix are the nouveau Dodgers fans who are very passive and mild and love to wagon hop.
• Chris Young is going to be good once he learns to be a little more selective, and Stephen Drew is going to be as good if not better next year after the showing at the plate he has displayed in Games 1 and 2.
• Hey Cubs fans, there is always next year right? Isn't that what you guys always say? I am wrong, do I have it backwards?

I will most likely write again in the middle of the Championship series, I like being creative and writing mid series rather than summarizing the whole series. It allows me to make predictions and if they come true, I look smart.

5 Reasons why college football is better

I want you all to think back to when you were 8 years old. It is Christmas Morning at 5 am and you are the one awake downstairs shaking all the presents to see what you can find out and constantly pestering the rest of your family to wake up because its so exciting. That is how I felt, like a kid on Christmas, when I got home from work to find out that not only was Florida losing late in the 3rd quarter to unranked Auburn, but also that USC was in a dogfight with Ty Willingham and the rest of the top 10 had already been turned upside down earlier in the day.

Thats when it hit me, I am in the minority amongst my friends when it comes to liking college football better than pro football so this blog will be devoted to explaining to you not why I think college football is better, but why it is better. Enjoy

Reason 1-The games are more fun
Its true, I understand that football is a fun sport whether it is at the Pop Warner level or the NFL but college football really is more fun. Has anyone ever heard the Patriots marching band strike up the fight song after a touchdown? Has anyone ever seen 100,000 people in Dallas all jumping up and down like at Camp Randall before a Wisconsin football game? The point is that professional football is a business and a career, and like any other job, the seriousness increases exponentially when you are working or playing to make a living and not because you want to live it up in college.
When Vince Young beat the Saints last Monday in resounding fashion he most likely went back to his house or hotel to either sleep and prepare for a film session tomorrow or rest from getting his ass kicked all over the field so he can practice on tuesday. When South Florida beat West Virginia I almost guarantee Matt Grothe did not go back to campus and sleep, my guess is he went out to celebrate and probably hooked up with a really attractive girl from school(lucky bastard). The pressure is the same, the intensity is the same, and the necessity for winning is the same at both levels and thats why some college football players will complain that college football is a fulltime job for them. I bet it is, but they also haven't actually played the game for a job so they don't really know.

Reason 2-Upsets
Last Saturday should have served as a wake up call to people living in a dreamworld where the NFL is more exciting than College Football. Florida, Oklahoma, West Virginia, Rutgers, Penn State, Texas, and Clemson all were upset in some of the most exciting and dramatical games of the year. Upsets happen in the NFL also, they just aren't as resounding as the ones in college football. When the Texans beat the Colts last year, that was an upset, but did anyone see hundreds of crazed Texans fans who had rushed the field standing behind David Carr as the useless sideline reporter asked him how he managed to beat the Colts? No! But when Rob Stone interviewed Ben Moffit how many drunken South Florida stands were standing behind him screaming at the top of their lungs and rubbing his bald head?
There is really only one way to accurately describe and convince people that college upsets are better. Next Saturday is Ohio State is getting beat by Purdue by 7 with 2 minutes to go and you don't care about either team, evaluate how excited you are to watch the next 2 minutes unfold. Then the next day when the Raiders are winning by 7 with 2 minutes to go against the Patriots and you are from Cleveland and couldn't care less who wins, tell me how excited you are. You will clearly learn that potential upsets in college get the adrenaline pumping far more than any NFL upset.

Reason 3- Mistakes
Now you must be ready to kick my ass, mistakes in college football make the game better? You must be smoking some of that stuff that Ricky Williams got on his visit to the jungles of India. But hear me out before I am stoned to death (no pun intended). People always argue that the Pro game is better because the level of talent is higher and the quality of play is better, i.e. less sloppy mistakes, less penalties, more amazing displays of athletic ability and prowess. Au Contraire my dear Watsons because this is exactly why the pro game is worse than the college game.
For example, I show the jury exhibit A, the super bowl game between the Patriots and the Panthers, the Patriots drive down the field and end up at around the 28 yard line, but for the sake of the argument lets say the drive ends at around the 32. That means that Adam Vinateri is lining up to win the Super Bowl with a 45 yard kick. Now I understand that this is real human drama, but being realistic is there any possibility that Vinateri misses that kick? My answer is no, he is a professional kicker and one of the best in the world in a neutral site with only a half-hostile crowd on turf.
Now think about last Saturday when Auburn kicker Wes Byrum is lining up for a 43 yard field goal as a redshirt freshman, in one of the more hostile environments in college football. He is young, and inexperienced and not yet equipped with the nerves and focus that it takes to make that kick 10 times out of 10. Then he not only has to make it once, but because of a timeout by Urban Meyer, he has to make it twice. That is real drama, there is no guarantee that Byrum will make this kick, I mean he has missed already from shorter distances on the season. Now what would you rather watch?
Missed tackles and bad decisions by quarterbacks and dropped passes that should have been caught are all bad football plays, but great for adding intrigue, excitement, and of course drama to a football game. How many times are punts blocked in the pros? How many times are they blocked in college? Now, after realizing "Gee whiz Mike that is very insightful, the professionals almost never block punts" think about how exciting and monumental and important a blocked punt can be to not only the scoreboard, but also momentum and energy. Now tell me you don't want more.

Reason 4- Pressure, Pressure, Pressure
I pride myself on finding new angles at which to explore topics, such as why college football is better, and because of this I am very ashamed to write this 4th reason because it is of course one of the most integral reasons why college football is better, and therefore is more played out than Brett Favre.
On a side note I blame Chris Berman entirely for getting sick of Brett Favre. I mean the guy is a great competitor, and terrific quarterback and most likely a good guy. But Chris Berman every Sunday night, keep in mind I speak of last season, ignores all of his interceptions and poor decisions and instead acts like 1 touchdown and 3 picks is ok because he is Brett Favre and everyone knows Brett only threw those interceptions because he wanted to because he has pinpoint control and has never played a bad game in his life. The way Chris Berman not-so-secretly loves him makes me think that he has rescued the Berman's cat from a tree, or sent them a Christmas card every year. Yet I digress.
The reasoning that has been beaten like a dead horse is that not every game in the NFL is so directly linked to your ability to succeed in the post season. Its true that more teams from college play in "the post season" but there are also 119 teams and I am not so sure if Miami really enjoyed playing in the MPC computers bowl last year while watching Wake Forest play Louisville in their home stadium in a BCS game. In college football, essentially one loss in a game you weren't supposed to lose and your dreams of a national title are dashed. For example, Oklahoma, If they beat Texas they will have another outside chance at the National title, but they don't play good teams the rest of the way and their loss is to Colorado, who is now at .500, thats like settling for a good looking girl because her face is really cute when there is a girl with a really cute face and a great personality who didn't get beat by Colorado who wants to go out with you.
This reasoning makes every game equally as important, where as 3 straight losses in the NFl doesn't mean a damn thing if you won the first 10 games. The college kids put more emotion and heart on the line week in and week out and play every down and game like it is the most important because technically, it is.
Put it this way, If Michigan has just Ohio State left on their schedule, and they have only lost 1 game and are already in the post season, they are not going to sit Chad Henne and Michael Hart, partly because the game is of the utmost importance, and partly because Michigan hates Ohio State like Biggie hated Tupac to use the most related analogy.
The last three weeks of the season are bad in the NFL, starters sit because their coaches don't want them to get hurt, which makes sense, but isn't fun, and the possibility of pulling a Doc Rivers and making sure that every single player who could help your team win is sitting because you want a better draft pick is not only feasible, its likely. Again, excitement and nerves run rampant in college where as in the pros its just business.

Reason 5- Rivalries, Traditions, and Characters
I start this reason with a little bit of 1 on 1, I want you to choose which rivalry you think is not only better in terms of quality of games and deeply-rooted hatred, but also for pageantry and traditions. Ready?

Ohio St. v. Michigan or Green Bay v. Minnesota?
Army v. Navy or Philadelphia v. New York?
Miami v. Florida St. or Indianapolis v. New England?
Oregon v. Cal or Denver v. Oakland?

With the exception of the 3rd choice I offered I think it is very clear that every single college rivalry is better than the professional rivalry I offered as a foil. I mean for goddsakes John Cooper got fired from Ohio State despite almost a .750 winning percentage because he was 2-10 vs. Ohio State. Likewise, people put Lloyd Carr on the hotseat even before his team decided it never liked defense anyways and wasn't going to play any of it because he is 1-5 vs. Jim Tressel, Cooper's successor who could probably get people in Columbus to hold his johnson for him while he pees.
They are just better, I don't remember the last time a professional football mascot got in a fight with another mascot like the numerous occasions in college football. Emotions run higher in college football, for chrissakes Woody Hayes tackled a Clemson player for intercepting a pass, the closest professional thing I can think of that compares is when Randall Simon mugged the Sausage at Miller Park because Simon had put money on him to win and he wasn't. Emotions make rivalries, they spawn hatred for other teams when the players probably are going to be co-employees in the professional league.

There you have it, the 5 reasons why College Football is better, yeah its corrupt and players don't have to go to class and most are of questionable moral integrity and their coaches are of even more questionable moral integrity. But put the blinders on and watch the game.

Amendent 1- College Gameday is waaaaaaaay better than listening to Michael Irvin and Tom Jackson and the 17 other former players they have on Sunday Countdown, it doesn't even compare.

Mike Gundy vs. Sports Journalists

For those of you who live in a cave, or have had California-esque blackouts or don't own a computer with lightning fast internet, I will quickly summarize the escapade of Mike Gundy to the three of you. After a gutty victory over an undefeated Texas Tech team, Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy refused to address the football game that had just ended, instead prominently displaying a recent article in the Daily Oklahoman that was critical, in the lightest sense of the word, of Oklahoma State starter/backup, star/mediocre quarterback Bobby Reid. Now I not only watched the entirety of the press conference in which Mike Gundy attacks the media like Kobe Bryant after finding out that the Lakers chose not to try and get a veteran but instead make Kobe do all the work again while Lamar Odom bitches about how he doesn't get enough touches. But I also read the article in question and also many responses from commendable sports journalists around the nation who jump on a story like this because frankly they eat scandal up. After all of the reading was done I came to one conclusion about my opinion on this topic, and thats that I have absolutely no clue who to defend. So because I love an argument as much as the next man, I will argue both sides. First, defending Jenni Carlson, the author of the article in the Oklahoman, and then from Kobe Bryant's.........I mean Mike Gundy's perspective. Here goes nothing.

First and foremost the story really wasn't anything worse than any other critical article ever written about an athlete, at the professional or collegiate level. Yes, its true that Jenni Carlson called Bobby Reid immature, and suggested that he probably has some work ethic problems and some attitude problems, but seriously, we are currently surrounded by athletes about cheaters, dog killers, strip joint lovers and men who are sponsored by the Red Army (Tank Johnson) and someone is trying to tell me that all of a sudden Bobby Reid is being attacked for no reason. Mike Gundy overreacted, its plain and simple, If all of the statements about Bobby Reid are false, then why did you replace your former All Big 12 quarterback with a career backup and then stick with the backup even after it was clear he was out of his league against Troy which probably was an all girls school until 4 years ago.
The only thing Carlson is guilty of is writing a story about a team nobody cares about. Also, Stewart Mandel of SI.com called Carlson a commendable journalist because she was the first to get to interview Adrian Peterson's father. Oh I am sorry did someone forget to send me the memo that says you are knighted a "commendable journalist" as long as you are able to secure an interview that no one else has got before. No, it doesn't matter about the content of the story or whether the statements made are unfounded, you were first. That's like saying David Duke is a "commendable debater" because he was the first person to defeat Oprah in a debate on the Oprah show. No, it doesn't matter that Duke is the leader of the new KKK and his opinions are going farther in reverse than Pac Man's career, he was first! She has the right to write about whatever she wants and should not be chastised and embarassed in a post game news conference about an article that might hurt the young man's feelings. Hasn't Gundy ever heard of the expression of tough love?

Now, before I write this next portion I want it to be known that I am about to be critical of Jenni Carlson, and if the editor of the Daily Oklahoman wants to blast me in a press conference bring it on, I won't cry. For what its worth, the article was not very good. Carlson couldn't back up one statement she made with an actual legitimate source or quote that would have given a foundation to her accusations and she also lambasted Reid for being fed by his mother. Listen, I know college kids whose mothers still call them everyday, being fed chicken by mom isn't really that bad. Also I am not sure if how he eats has any relevance to the type of quarterback he is, or the kind of regression he is experiencing as a player.
Also, in the day and age of people like Mack Brown whose team played all the extras in the newest version of the Longest Yard because they wanted real felons, I have a great amount of appreciation and admiration for Mike Gundy for sticking up for his player and making sure that he let his team and Reid know that he is behind them every step of the way. Mack Brown takes no responsibility for the fact that in the past 8 months he has had 5 players arrested. He acts like he had no idea about the character issues some of his players imbue and he sounds like a disappointed grandfather who has just learned that his grandson smokes pot. I think more coaches, like Andy Reid should come out in favor of their quarterback and defend them, plus how funny would it be to see Andy Reid flush in the face spitting up his just eaten pork roast while he tells people what a stand up guy McNabb is.

All and all this story really isn't all that not worthy, there have been worse things that have happened in the world, and now I bid you all adieu because I need to figure out how I can get Tim Tebow to do something wrong so I can make fun of him. The guy can do no wrong.

Shame on the Irish

Shame on the once grand institution of Notre Dame. Shame on their athletic director, Kevin White. Shame on every haughty, pretentious alumni who thought 3 years was enough to rebuild a Notre Dame team left in ruin after the Bob Davie Era. The school loved Tyrone Willingham after he first year at the school started with such promise and hope. The team finished the regular season 10-2 before embarrassing themselves in the Gator Bowl against a Phillip Rivers led North Carolina State team. The attrition from that 2002 was substantial but there was reason for hope. 5-star recruit Brady Quinn had committed to the Irish along with a host of other top recruits and although the 2003 season outlook was less than rosy it seemed Tyrone Willingham was bringing Notre Dame back to national prominence. Fast-forward to the end of the 2004 season after a second consecutive sub-par season from Notre Dame the 2002 season was starting to lose its shine and the alumni were growing restless. But things looked better for the 2005 season. Brady Quinn was finally coming into his own as a quarterback and youngsters like Darius Walker and Jeff Samardzjia were beginning to show a lot of potential. So of course the Notre Dame alumni decided it was time for a coaching change. They fired Willingham after just 3 years and 2 bowl games and decided to move on in what was one of the most surprising coaching changes of the off-season.

Now a lot of pundits during that occurrence tried to play the race card, to be honest I was surprised Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton weren't strapping themselves to Touchdown Jesus in protest. I want to make it clear that I do not think race was a factor at all, I just think the Notre Dame alumni think their program is too good for an off year. They would have fired Tom Landry if he had been coaching them. Of course, being Notre Dame they had no trouble finding a long list of potential suitors and eventually decided on the offensive mastermind behind Tom Brady and the New England Patriots offense, Charlie Weiss. Weiss in his first year finished 9-3 on the season and was anointed a genius similar to the way Willingham was received. But, behind that terrific record were a lot of warning signs that showed the season wasn't quite all rosy. Notre Dame's best win was against a Michigan team that was vastly overrated and finished the season just 7-5. Their defense never really exhibited that much talent, and although I give Weiss plenty of credit for helping Brady Quinn transform to a star quarterback, he was Tyrone Willingham's recruit and was much ballyhooed out of high school so it wasn't as if Weiss transformed a nobody the way he did with Tom Brady.

Now fast-forward to week 1 of the 2007 college football season. I watched Notre Dame rotate 3 quarterbacks, gain -9 yards rushing, and get thoroughly embarrassed by a good, but not that good, Georgia Tech team. The "genius" Charlie Weiss was supposed to match John Tenuta, Georgia Tech's defensive coordinator, wit for wit in a battle of offense vs. defense. Instead I watched Demetrius Jones use his above average speed to lower his head and run a quarterback sneak at least 5 times and basically watch his receivers run vertical routes away from him while Phillip Wheeler hit him in the chin.

After 2 games Weis' supposed vaunted offense ranks last in the country in total offense and in rushing offense. Jimmy Clausen looked reasonable considering he was never going to be able to live up to his enormous hype in his first collegiate start and he is a freshman playing in Happy Valley, but the offense is so anemic it couldn't muster an offensive touchdown in the two games it has played this year. Looking at the rest of Notre Dame's schedule it is not inconceivable to see the Fighting Irish going into their game against the Navy Midshipmen at a catastrophic 0-7. Meanwhile Tyrone Willingham is 2-0 with a major victory that ended Boise St. win streak and a freshman quarterback whose decision-making and play-making far outweighs that of Jimmy Clausen, and now he has a legitimate chance to upset Ohio State and put Washington's season on the fast track. He is laughing all the way from Seattle right now.

Why Sports Stink Right Now

My three favorite sports are football, basketball, and baseball. Ever since I was a young boy I have loved the sports and the athletes themselves, looked up to them, admired them, and desperately wanted to be them until my dreams outgrew my athletic ability. However, I have always most loved the games and the drama that almost certainly exists in each sport whether it be in the regular season or the playoffs. But these days sports are being ruined. Slowly but surely the impact of the day to day games are being replaced by legal scandals and cheating and now my favorite television, Sportscenter, which I enjoy the same way Pac Man enjoys strip clubs is making the highlights of games take a backseat to things like the Tim Donaghy scandal, Michael Vick, and Barry Bonds.

Forgive me for being so crass but frankly I don't care. I understand that the Tim Donaghy scandal is a travesty for the NBA and especially their referees, and Michael Vick deserves to be punished if he is guilty of some of the things they say he is and it absolutely should be addressed that Barry Bonds cheated his way to the homerun record but all of these things are only giving sports a black eye, taking away the awesomeness from the actual sports themselves and replacing them with this human interest bullshit which now dominates the highlights on Sportscenter.

For example, today on Sportscenter Chris McKendry dressed in a pinstripe suit that made Tommy DeVito from Goodfellas jealous, interviewed the all-knowing Tim Kurkjin from Cooperstown where classy guys like Cal Ripken Junior and Tony Gwynn were set to be immortalized for laudable and really impressive baseball careers. Yet, it only took McKendry 3 questions about the momentous occassion on hand before she addressed the Hall of Fame's sentiment on Barry Bonds. Bonds deserves to be in the Hall of Fame but that is erroneous. I frankly don't care whether the Hall likes Barry Bonds or not, today was not about Barry Bonds reaching the hall of fame, it was about Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Junior. Just in case this doesn't get you blood boiling just try to watch a Giants game highlight without puking involuntarily. Every at bat by Barry Bonds is shown and scrutinized, even his foul outs and ground outs to second base. I am used to watching sportscenter and watching Omar Vizquel come out of nowhere on a groundball up the middle and make some ridiculous throw to get somebody at first base, or watching Manny Ramirez drive a ball into the triangle at Fenway to clear the bases and win the game for the Red Sox. But now Baseball Tonight wastes 5 minutes of every show going through Bonds' at-bats one by one even when he went 0-4. The game of baseball has been replaced by the enormous black shadow that does not come from Barry Bonds' enlarged cranium but instead from his assault on a record that should not be broken. I want to stop hearing about Barry Bonds and I want to start hearing about the Wild Card Race in both leagues, whether the Yankees are going to catch the Red Sox, and who the hell is going to win the wide open NL West, not about some egotistical cheater who has hit a lot of homeruns.

Now on to the NFL and its posterboy turned pariah, Michael Vick. The season is rapidly approaching as training camp opens all around the country and the talk on sports networks should be focusing on how the Colts are going to defend their Super Bowl title despite their defensive attritions, or whether the Bears are going to be able to survive without Thomas Jones and Lance Briggs and whether Rex Grossman will be able to mature into a bonafide starter. Instead McKendry was at it again, taking just three questions with Chad Johnson, whose sunglasses looked like the same ones my blind neighbor Mr. Davey wears, before she asked what Chad had to say on Michael Vick's indictment. Oh Chris, I am sorry, I forgot Chad Johnson was the official legal liason to what was going on with Michael Vick. If it really must be reported about on Sportscenter than flash to Pedro Gomez in a suit fitting a funeral and ask him some questions. Save Chad Johnson for something funny, or maybe even consider talking about how the Bengals plan on winning the division that features a new Ravens team loaded with offensive talent, and a healthy Ben Roethilsberger. Michael Vick deserves to be punished but I don't deserve to be fed unimportant updates on his court case every day on NFL Live. I am a devoted NFL fan, someone who watches the sport because I love the excitement of the sacks, 80 yard touchdown passes, and Devin Hester making punt teams look silly punt return after punt return. I am a football fan, not a fan of watching Michael Vick walk into a courthouse day after day. I want to be treated to 30 minutes of analysis, predicitions and highlights on football, but instead I am ashamed to admit that I change the channel from Sportscenter when they start talking about Michael Vick. Legal issues are to sports what church is to state, they should remain seperated at all costs. Show people like Michael Vick, Tank Johnson and Pac Man Jones on Judge Judy instead of the hilbillies suing each other for stealing overalls and wrecking trailers, but leave Sportscenter for real sports stories, please, before I go postal.

Now on to the NBA. Tim Donaghy has left a mark on the NBA that no matter how hard David Stern scrubs, will never come off. From now until the end of organized, professional basketball the actual game outcome will be in question because honest referees made calls as they saw them and are unable to escape from the idea that they could be like Tim Donaghy. Before Donaghy I was excited, Ray Allen was coming to the Celtics, Kevin Garnett, my favorite player, was on the verge of being traded to a contender, and Kobe Bryant did a roast of Andrew Bynum of Comedy Central...oops. Now Tim Donaghy gets all the attention, I just want him to go away, I want the legal system to sort him out and the NBA to go back to being about how the Rockets improved this off-season and whether or not the Spurs can hold off Dallas and Phoenix again this season. I love the NBA, watching people like Gilbert Arenas score in 80 different ways does the same thing a viagra pill would do for me. Watching Steve Nash throw passes for lay ups while he winks at the hot blonde in the 3rd row is awesome, it makes me say "ohhhhhhhh" while Tim Donaghy makes me want to go put my head in a vise and tighten it. I understand that is an important topic to discuss because something like this does not happen very often and it hasn't since Pete Rose, but its lamentable that Sportscenter and reporters around the country have to linger on it. Its like the upcoming season is put on hold while everyone around the country weighs in on a mobbed up referee who has effectively ruined a part of basketball.

Even things like Cycling is tarnished by doping scandals, its impossible to escape the gloom that is scandal in professional sports these days. My suggestion? Create a seperate tv show for this kind of stuff. Maybe E truly hollywood story on Michael Rasmussen or Tim Donaghy, and then return Sportscenter to what has made it the best show ever and thats the sports, the show isn't popular because Linda Cohn looks good in a power suit, its popular because sports are the most popular activities in the country because of the drama that each sport has the opportunity to provide. I think everyone needs to pause and remember that before its too late and I am hearing about Kevin Garnett being chased by the police through 8 states while he has a bloodied and beaten Kevin Mchale in the trunk...on second thought, I would probably watch that.

Little League Baseball

I am sure I am not the only one who tries to earn money a lot of different ways and one of my favorite ways is moonlighting as a little league umpire. Some people get the umpire patch to ump older kids and they get to wear those really sweaty outfits with the pants that I am pretty sure are made out of polyester and get a very official looking broom to clean the plate. Meanwhile I am on the adjacent field on a hot summer day smirking in a t-shirt and shorts with shin protectors that are one and the same as the ones the kids play with, a catcher's mask and a a foam pad.

On this particular day it was the All-Star Games for the 12-13 age group. I played this same age group in this same town made one all-star game and blew my only chance when I went to Vermont instead with my family. Now here I was watching kids 7 years younger than me play a game where no pitcher can throw more than one inning and it is a 7 inning game instead of a regular 6 inning for more at bats, and the glory of it all is these kids can all play!

The first pitcher thrown in the game was a high fastball that the catcher didn't quite nab it, which happens frequently when they close their eyes. The ball smacked me right in the face and it rang my bell really good. The bottom line of that mini-story is that these kids can really pitch. Every pitcher I saw in the game, and I saw 12, threw hard and straight. Mixed with some early signs of a curveball and these kids struck out the side probably 5 times combined. The fielding was the best part. A kid was erased trying to stretch a single off the fence because of a perfect relay between centerfielder and the cut off man. My heart lept a little like when I watched Jacoby Ellsbury turn on the jets and score from second on a passed ball. There were stolen bases, but there were also kids who got thrown out stealing a base. There were errors, but there were more exciting catchs and close plays that far outweighed any booted ground ball in my book. The final score was 9-7, and at young ages some of those runs are attributed to pastballs that advance the baserunners a minimum of two bases per inning, but this game had some excitement on the offensive side as well.

Don't judge me, I like to pick favorite kids in the games. Some of them I recognize as younger brothers of some of my classmates and some of them I have never seen before. My favorite in this game was this huge kid who reminded me a lot of younger, rounder Lance Berkman without the neck beard. Not only was he a sight to see when he ambled to the batters box, but he also had a positive attitude about everything and ran on and off the field every inning from whatever position. Oh... did I mention hit two solo home runs in the game one carried the fence in left made in likeness of the Fens, and the other went to dead center field, and they were two of the longest home runs I had seen hit. His first home run, to left, almost made me leap up and yell a little. It reminded of one of those homers Manny hits when he catches it right where he wants it and the ball leaves the park onto Landsdowne Street in about 3 seconds. The place went wild and this big kid pumped his fist once as he rounded first and then trotted the rest of the bases like he had done it before, greeted by loud cheers from the crowd and then at home plate by the rest of his team yelling far louder. In the 6th he actually hit a raw curveball that spun, but really shouldn't have been thrown by a 13 year old. It disappeared in the tree line about 15 feet behind the fence and to be honest it made me cry a little deep down to know that I was always a decent baseball player, but also very weak, so I was purely a singles hitter.

In all it was one of the more entertaining games of baseball I had seen in a long time and really made me miss the days when I could spend my spring and summer playing organized baseball with friends. In all; 3 kids hit home runs in the game, there was one suicide squeeze that worked and one that ended in a double play, and two legit web gems. One of the gems was the third basemen sprinting full on to catch a ball in foul territory and making an impossible catch high against the dugout fence as he crashed into it.

I called a pretty fair game, the coaches thanked me and paid me, and I left for home with my hunger for exciting baseball whetted for the night. Right as I was leaving my fellow, and patched, umpire was taking a little league bat and hitting baseballs over the short left field fence while kids jumped up and down and the coaches watched a little more money just disappear into the woods because a 20 year kid is still playing Gym class hero after umping their sons baseball games. I knew one of the coaches and said "If you want me to, I can do that on our field if you really need me to show him up." The coach laughed and answered, "Yeah, remember that kid from little league, he was a friggin noodlehead." Noodlehead is a sweet insult, and my fellow umpire richly deserved it.

NBA Draft Recap

Before I get into how I feel about the Celtics and what the did during the 2007 draft I have a few key points I would like to make about the draft as a whole and how I think it all panned out.

- First and foremost Yi Jianlian maybe my least favorite player in the entire NBA and he hasn't even played a game yet. I hated Eli Manning when he said he would never play for the San Diego Chargers and I actually laughed outloud when Yi got drafted by the Bucks despite his best efforts to make the Bucks think he didn't even exist. This is a guy who refused to work out in Milwaukee because his handlers (what is he some kind of racehorse?) didn't like the city and because the people close to him felt that Milwaukee didn't have enough of an Asian population for him to feel comfortable. This is a guy who has never worked out against an American player, claims to be 19 when there are plenty of reports who say he is at least 3 years older and who parties with celebrities because his agent gets him on the guest list at Hollywood premieres. I am glad he is in Milwaukee, he may never play for them, but at least he won't see any lush private parties out in beer country. He is going to have to learn how to work a keg tap and mingle with bar folk or else he will be lost and he better bring a translator because he looked awful trying to do an interview for the draft.

- I hate how former athletes get the analyst jobs that I so desperately covet. Now I would understand that former athletes have a far more intimate knowledge of their respective sport than men, but if you are going to hire former athletes at least make them personable, intelligent and literate former athletes. Fernando Vina uses the same cliche catch phrases every night on Baseball Tonight, Shannon Sharpe sounds like Big Black from Rob and Big, and now Mark Jackson gets the job at the NBA Draft and he sounds like he looked up the 10 most common catch phrases used by analysts and just used cue cards to make sure he used at least half of them every time he tried to break something down. People like Orel Hershiser, John Kruk, Jay Bilas and Keyshawn Johnson are all terrific at being an analyst, but please someone hire a knowledgeable sports fan who speaks well on camera rather than a former middling athlete. Pretty Please?

- I hate spoiled athletes, for example Kobe Bryant, but for once I agree with him. Javaris Crittenton? How about someone ready to produce right away. Jared Dudley, Arron Afflalo or Alando Tucker were all seasoned college players who could have stepped in and contributed right away for a Lakers team in search of a man to be sandwiched in between Kobe and Lamar Odom at the 3. Instead they select a point guard for the second consecutive year. Granted Crittenton will be a far better player in years to come that Jordan Farmar who reached his peak when he scored 25 in his first NBDL game. But still, you have a star player who went behind everyone's back and ruined team chemistry and probably injured the psyche of your best young player (Bynum) forever demanding that Mitch Kupchak and the man they call Buss bring him some veteran help. But they refuse to part with Bynum and Odom for a really good player and instead bring in a point guard who is still legally underage and turns the ball over more than Rashaan Salaam used to for the Chicago Bears. That earthquake in L.A.? That was Kobe's head exploding.

- Nobody is talking about the Warriors and how they seemed to make away like bandits with Charlotte. They dumped Jason Richardson because of financial reasons, but they had a glut of guys that could run and shoot and jump anyway, and the reason they failed against Utah was because they really were unable to rebound or play anybody tough inside. Now they got a guy in Brandan Wright who not only can develop into a legitimate post and rebounding threat but also has the unique ability to run the floor and score in transition. If I am correct they now have a starting lineup of Baron Davis, Stephen Jackson, Al Harrington, Brandan Wright, and Andris Biedrins with Matt Barnes, Monta Ellis and this guy Marco Bellini all filling in right where Richardson left off. Watch the Warriors. There are not a lot of Western Conference playoff teams who made significant improvements but I think Golden State is one.

- Philadelphia fans have to be screaming at themselves and of course at Billy King as well. They traded Iverson and had visions of Durant and Oden floating through their heads and then Andre Igoudala turned out to be the player everyone thought he would be and he and Andre Miller, the travelling gypsy that Philly got for Iverson, stood on their heads and helped Philadelphia earn the 11th pick instead of a top 5 selection. Now I applaud the Philly players for refusing to really tank the season and play like every game still meant something but when you have a GM like Billy King you need to make sure that you get a really high pick so that no matter who he takes it will probably be ok. Thaddeus Young is very talented but almost more erratic than Crittenton, his former teammate, and I am pretty sure he is not the immediate help Philly fans were thinking of when Billy King said they were going to turn the team around right away. Then with their second top 20 pick they took Jason Smith, a 7 foot stiff from Colorado State. Please will someone enlighten me on when the last time a 7 foot white center became a key contributor to any team let alone the 76ers? No Chris Kaman doesn't count, and no neither does Andrew Bogut. Billy, I know a few really dangerous guys who you might want to hire to put in your posse to make sure you stay safe. Here lemme give you the number of their current employer, thats Pacman P-A-C-M-A-N. Just call him I am sure he won't be busy.

Now on to Boston, and what they managed to do with their basketball team. I maybe the only person in Boston who actually likes this trade for Boston. Yes, Ray Allen is old, and yes he is also coming over ankle surgery and will probably need to work hard in order to play up to par this season. But that being said, his last two seasons were his most productive of his entire career, and ankle surgery is better than say knee surgery or the shoulder surgery that Dwayne Wade is having. Bill Simmons did scare me by saying it would be the newest version of the Mitch Richmond trade because their stats are very similar but I am still very optimistic.

First of all we gave up nothing. In the Mitch Richmond deal the Bullets gave up Chris Webber who went on to play his best basketball with Sacramento. I highly doubt Wally Szczerbiak, who played in all of 33 games for Boston last year is really going to be ressurected in Seattle, and while Delonte West is a nice player, Rajon Rondo really came on strong at the end and while he still maybe a few years away he will be able to fill West's role. Most importantly this trade prevented Danny Ainge from drafting Yi Jianlian and therefore committing suicide. The city of Boston would have rioted if Yi was the Celtic's pick in that draft. I am pretty sure everyone in the city wanted Corey Brewer and I was one of them and now we have Ray Allen instead of either one of them which I can certainly live with.

Second of all please name a team in the Eastern Conference outside of Chicago and a fading Detroit who really has more talent and potential than a healthy, non-tanking Celtics team. Al Jefferson was one of the best big men in basketball in the 2nd half of the season and he barely got to play in crunch time because the Celtics were so blatantly trying to lose basketball games. Paul Pierce played in exactly half of those games and he was intentionally shut down at the end of the year for fear that he would do something rash and play hard. Now we have potentially 3 20 plus scorers in our starting line up, a solid number of veterans instead of a epic number of guys who still get carded when they go out to bars and two guys, Pierce and Allen, who have both been to the playoffs more than once and have both put up terrific numbers with almost no supporting cast in those playoff times. Say what you want about losing West, Yi Jianlian and Wally's World but I am happy where we stand. At least we won't have Pierce making any video tapes about Al Jefferson and bashing Danny Ainge

The New Member of the Big 4

In the town of Acton there really isn't a whole lot that goes on during the day or even at night. Sometimes this can be a blessing in disguise because our boredness fosters an intense conversation that normally revolves entirely around sports. For example, the other day I was at my friend's house playing a rousing game of MLB 2K7, you know, the game with a blatant disregard for the laws of physics, where every hit is a homerun and you end up watching David Eckstein pull an 0-2 slider down and away over the Green Monster of Curt Schilling. Anyway my friend posed an interesting point. He claimed in 5 years the MLS would replace the NHL in the perennial Big 4 of sports that captivates Americans. If you think about it carefully it is a very good point.
The MLS is beginning to spend money to bring some of the best players from Europe over to the United States in order to market the game to the American public, meanwhile the NHL has been steadily declining in popularity and television ratings that it is now being aired on the VS. network, to give you an idea of how obscure that network is it is channel 243 on my satelitte programming. Also my father, only a casual sports fan thought the VS. network was a network based on political debates such as another Crossfire (surely if this was true listening to James Carville speak for more than 30 seconds would have most ordinary Americans throwing themselves off bridges all across the United States). My buddy brought up the point that Americans have been trying to love soccer very hard but with the poor quality of play in the MLS combined with the inavailability of English Premiership games on stations like ESPN and ESPN2, our public has really been left with no choice but to only have a very tepid interest in what is the world's most popular sport. But, the MLS has the trump card over the NHL, its owners are willing to spend a ton of money to make sure that some of Europe's most marketable stars consider coming to play in the MLS.
David Beckham, who I think should have a talk show with Mike Tyson and the guests get to vote to see who has a more absurd voice. I understand he is not particularly well educated but neither was Darryl Dawkins and he still talks normally... or as normally as a 300 plus pound black guy can speak. Anyway, Beckham is set to play in one of the United States largest media markets, L.A., for an incredible amount of money, 300 million. Meanwhile other European stars such as Zinedine Zidane and Luis Figo has both been rumored to be entertaining talks from clubs in the MLS to be brought over to the United States to play. So maybe my buddy is right, little kids all across America play soccer in by the millions, and the World Cup, despite being played when most people are either half asleep or starting to feel a hangover from the night before, garnered the largest ratings it ever has in the United States, so maybe it is only a matter of time before we start to have American soccer hooligans and all out riots when the New York MetroStars lose the MLS Cup to the Chicago Fire. It doesn't seem all that unlikely

The Cleveland Cavaliers

I have watched all 3 games of the NBA Finals this year and watched almost every game of the Eastern Conference Finals against Detroit and could only come to one concrete conclusion. There has never been a single team that deserves to be in the NBA Finals less than the Cleveland Cavaliers. In all 3 games there hasn't been one moment where anyone thought the Cavaliers had a shot at winning the game. Now I always give credit where credit is due and the Spurs deserve a whole heaping of credit, they are the best team in the NBA day in and day out and most likely would have won the Finals whether they were facing the Cavaliers or the Pistons. But at least the Pistons would have presented a challenge for the Spurs. Everyone on the Cavaliers, Lebron James included looks lost against the much more experienced, and cohesive 3 time champions. Allow me to break it down player by player.

Lebron James:
I am pretty sure everyone and their mother all across the country jumped on the Lebron James bandwagon after his reason-defying 48 point performance in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals where the Pistons looked like the Middlesex County "All stars" trying to stop Wilt Chamberlain when he was with the Globetrotters. I am not a witness and as much as I hate Skip Bayless, I agree with him even if it is the first and only time. I understand that he is literally the only Cavalier who opposing teams actually have scouting reports against, and there probably isn't another player on the entire team who can create his own shot, but what am I witnessing? A man child who belongs in the NFL shooting fall away 3 pointers and step back jump shots when literally every position he could go by Bruce Bowen and either get fouled or finish at the rim. He has only attempted 23 free throws in 3 games while he has also turned the ball over 17 times. I know people still have a hard-on from Game 5 and so I will give them a mulligan on being stupid enough to completely ignore the fact that Lebron is averaging fewer points, fewer rebounds and shooting worse from the field than he did in the regular season where everyone from the apocalyptic Bayless to James himself agreed that he wasn't playing at the level he could have been.
So once again I ask what should I be witnessing? I would rather watch Tony Parker put his dazzling display of dribble moves and electric passes on than watch a man who is more physically gifted than any NBA player before him use his size to shoot long jumpers and step back 3 pointers when he has never been the type of shooter that Kobe Bryant is or even Dwayne Wade for that matter. He may still make me eat my words, but it won't be this season, Bruce Bowen has him so thoroughly frustrated that Skip Bayless doesn't even have to mention it, he can just cross his arms and sit back in his chair and smile while all those people on the Lebron Bandwagon watch him implode game by game.

Daniel Gibson:
The first point I need to make is that while Boobie is a great nickname why can't the announcers call him Daniel. I am sure when the ABC sideline reporter interviews him at halftime and they say "Well Boobie..." he is wishing that the cameras weren't rolling so he could punch the guy right in the face for being so damn dumb. A nickname is something that friends use for one another as a term of endearment or sometimes to poke fun at someone but still in an endearing way. Now announcers all over the country are calling him Boobie as if they have been lifelong friends with the guy and are going out for a beer with him after the game. That really gets under my nerves...but I digress.
Gibson is probably the only Cavalier I really enjoy watching, withholding Game 3 of the Finals he has been the only teammate Lebron has been able to rely on on a consistent basis for some semblance of an offensive attack. He has a terrific jump shot and nerves of steel. Plus he is so damn humble and reserved. I watched the Detroit series and he probably hit 6 three pointers that if I had shot and they had gone in I would have probably been labeled the most obnoxious player since Bill Lambeer leaping and pointing and yelling like I had just gotten a date with that hot junior in my chemistry class. But Gibson buries the threes and doesn't even leave his hand up, he starts jogging back up court with a look of complete indifference on his face. Even when he gets mugged by Lebron and the king of all muggers, Anderson Varejao, he still only smiles a little with his teammates and still refuses to acknowledge how surreal it must be for him to bury a 3 pointer right in Chauncey Billups' face.
He also is the only one capable of playing decent defense on Tony Parker because he can match Parker in quickness. In doing so he alleviates the burden Lebron has to carry as the Cavaliers' White Knight. After watching Parker practically walk through the lane in Games 1 and 2 with Larry Hughes and Lebron guarding him it was a breath of fresh air to watch him struggle to get past Gibson who used his quickness to stay with Parker enough to frustrate him. Maybe next year Mike Brown will say, "Hey, I know he is my best point guard, and the perfect sidekick for Lebron's drive and dish, so I guess I will give him some minutes. But not too many because even if Larry Hughes limps around the court like Captain Hook, he is a tough dude for playing hurt so he gets my minutes."

Sasha Pavlovic:
This is the guy who I think has the most redeemable qualities out of the muck that is the Cavs team behind Lebron and Gibson. He shoots the 3 very well for a guy his size and is also about 80 percent from the free-throw line on the season and normally those two qualities have a way of making a player worth keeping around for awhile. I understand that this is his first season playing significant minutes and he is still very young with a lot of potential, but c'mon, the guy is 6-7 and 210 pounds with ball-handling skills of a point guard and good speed. Yet he has still been a complete non-factor in every single playoff game the Cavaliers have played this year. Every game I watch him play I always think he has the ability to abuse the normally smaller defender that guards him but he just sits around the perimeter waiting for the drive and kick instead of using his size to maybe try to get to the free-throw line more than twice a game.
The guy is softer than a down pillow. He hasn't scored more than 17 points in any of the playoff games and he is two best games came against New Jersey when Vince "Boy Defense really excites me" Carter was pretending to guard him for 40 minutes. Now all of you must be sitting around saying well Mike is exaggerating, he must drive to the lane at least a few times. The answer is no, I am not exaggerating and no, he doesn't try to take his man off the dribble, ever. The Spurs are blatantly leaving him open to try and make him be the member of Lebron's court to beat them. They even double teamed Gibson occasionally. Now I am not a math whiz, but a double team on Lebron and a double team on Gibson absolutely has to leave Pavlovic open yet he went just 5-15 from with floor and only 3-9 inside the 3 point arc. That's just pathetic I am sorry. Hopefully he will improve as he gains playing experience. But he really better hope so.

Drew Gooden:
Now I am not one to point fingers, but Drew Gooden is largely responsible for the Cavaliers losses in the first three games of the NBA Finals. As much as Pavlovic has been a non-factor in the playoffs Gooden has probably been twice as bad. His numbers are somewhere around his season average of 13 and 8 but his impact on the game is much farther down the list probably at around 0. Sure he scores 13 points, but he goes head to head against Tim Duncan and so not only are his stats nullified by his lackluster defense has put Cleveland in the negatives in the matchup of power forwards. Plus I may be the only one who gets this feeling, but it seems to me as if Gooden may want to win a championship but he really doesn't like playing 4th option in the offense and deferring to players like Gibson and Pavlovic.
His attitude and general disinterest in everything that Mike Brown and his teammates have to say is best exemplified by Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals. Millions of viewers on TV and everyone within 200 feet of the Cavaliers bench could hear Lebron and Coach Brown plead with Gooden not to leave his feet on a three point attempt because it could possibly result in a foul that would lead to potential game tying free throws. So what does Gooden do, he leaps about as high and as far as he possibly can and takes an enormous swipe at the buzzer-beating attempt by Chauncey Billups. I can just see Danny Ferry lying in his bed praying to whoever will listen that Drew Gooden will hurt himself playing video games, or shoot somebody at a strip club so he can void his contract and play somebody, anybody other than Drew Gooden.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas:
Now I have always been a fan of the big man from Lithuania. He has been a model of consistency and before Lebron James was an Eastern Conference All-Star for a number of years. Granted the East has about as many good centers as Tom Brady has pregnant girlfriends (2) but still he was able to average something around 18 and 10 for a guy with a limited skill set. He also has been the only player on the Cavaliers team to outplay his counterpart on the Spurs. His opponent Fabricio "Oh Boy" Oberto has been manhandled on the glass, just look at the 18 rebounds, 10 of them offensive, that Ilgauskas grabbed in Game 3 playing by far his best game of the playoffs.
Now for the more negative aspects of his game. My friends and I went to a recent Cavaliers-Celtics basketball games and of course since the Celtics are terrible I rooted solely for Zydrunas Ilgauskas. The really sad part was every time he touched the ball within 15 feet of the basket my friends and I would all simutaneously yell, "running jump hook" and as if on cue Ilgauskas would take one step, lumber across the lane and throw up an ugly jump hook that had puking involuntarily for much of the second half. His major problem is that when he runs, or jogs, or walks, he looks like a luxury liner crossing the Atlantic Ocean and he is more predictable than a Rasheed Wallace technical foul. His defense is mediocre, He is 7-3 so he certainly is hard to shoot over, but its really his offense that has the Spurs showing such a obvious lack of respect for his ability to hurt them. That being said he is also my favorite player on the Cavs. I hope someday he and Arvydas Sabonis travel to Massachusetts and decide to get a civil union and maybe get a reality tv show. I think I would watch that every single time it was on. I mean c'mon it can't be worse than Pirate Master or the Real World Reunited. Maybe the show could be them going one on one against each other everyday. I dare you not be to intrigued, I dare you!


In short, Thanks Cavaliers for ruining an NBA Finals, and thanks America for proverbially humping the Cavaliers like my next door neighboor's dog does to my unsuspecting hapless little brother.

Is it time for Doug Mirabelli to go?

Let me clue those still living in the dark on the stat line for Boston's much ballyhooed backup catcher. In 2006 Mirabelli had 12 hits in 161 at bats for a spiffy .193 batting average and a .261 OBP. In 2007 in Mirabelli has improved to 16 hits through 136 at bats and a better .309 OBP. If you compare these stats with the stats of our previous back up catcher Josh Bard you will see that Bard is head and shoulders above Mirabelli statistically. Yet, when we traded for Mirabelli last year his arrival was in a State Police Cruiser and was cheered as if he was the governor of Massachusetts, for all of our sakes I will pass on Mitt Romney jokes.

Now I do understand that Josh Bard had absolutely no ability to catch a knuckleball, and his ineptness led to his eventual departure but let's be serious, is Mirabelli really the only catcher in the whole MLB that can catch a knuckleball as effective as Wakefield's? He is 37 years old and looks fatter than the guy in my softball league who only comes for the beer and is too fat to play a real position so he catches the underhand throws from the pitcher. Yet everybody in Red Sox Nation is in love with the guy because he was so solid in 2003 and 2004 when we won our World Series so he somehow has lucked into a free pass in Boston sports fan's hearts despite the fact that he clearly can't hit his weight and looks totally inept at the plate. There is no other Red Sock who elicits cries of impending doom on an inning the same way Mirabelli does when he waddles to the plate. My suggestion would be to release him and find someone else to take his spot either from Triple A or from the waiver wire. I mean it's not like the guy plays everyday, he plays once a week and the only reason for that is because Tim Wakefield throws a knuckleball.

Professional catchers are paid to catch baseballs. Josh Bard struggled but I feel he would have been fine if the Red Sox management hadn't gotten their panties in a wad and went for the great story of having Mirabelli return to the Red Sox in a blaze of glory only to hit below the Mendoza line. Just get rid of him I am sick of seeing him in the lineup every 5 days