The Cleveland Cavaliers

I have watched all 3 games of the NBA Finals this year and watched almost every game of the Eastern Conference Finals against Detroit and could only come to one concrete conclusion. There has never been a single team that deserves to be in the NBA Finals less than the Cleveland Cavaliers. In all 3 games there hasn't been one moment where anyone thought the Cavaliers had a shot at winning the game. Now I always give credit where credit is due and the Spurs deserve a whole heaping of credit, they are the best team in the NBA day in and day out and most likely would have won the Finals whether they were facing the Cavaliers or the Pistons. But at least the Pistons would have presented a challenge for the Spurs. Everyone on the Cavaliers, Lebron James included looks lost against the much more experienced, and cohesive 3 time champions. Allow me to break it down player by player.

Lebron James:
I am pretty sure everyone and their mother all across the country jumped on the Lebron James bandwagon after his reason-defying 48 point performance in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals where the Pistons looked like the Middlesex County "All stars" trying to stop Wilt Chamberlain when he was with the Globetrotters. I am not a witness and as much as I hate Skip Bayless, I agree with him even if it is the first and only time. I understand that he is literally the only Cavalier who opposing teams actually have scouting reports against, and there probably isn't another player on the entire team who can create his own shot, but what am I witnessing? A man child who belongs in the NFL shooting fall away 3 pointers and step back jump shots when literally every position he could go by Bruce Bowen and either get fouled or finish at the rim. He has only attempted 23 free throws in 3 games while he has also turned the ball over 17 times. I know people still have a hard-on from Game 5 and so I will give them a mulligan on being stupid enough to completely ignore the fact that Lebron is averaging fewer points, fewer rebounds and shooting worse from the field than he did in the regular season where everyone from the apocalyptic Bayless to James himself agreed that he wasn't playing at the level he could have been.
So once again I ask what should I be witnessing? I would rather watch Tony Parker put his dazzling display of dribble moves and electric passes on than watch a man who is more physically gifted than any NBA player before him use his size to shoot long jumpers and step back 3 pointers when he has never been the type of shooter that Kobe Bryant is or even Dwayne Wade for that matter. He may still make me eat my words, but it won't be this season, Bruce Bowen has him so thoroughly frustrated that Skip Bayless doesn't even have to mention it, he can just cross his arms and sit back in his chair and smile while all those people on the Lebron Bandwagon watch him implode game by game.

Daniel Gibson:
The first point I need to make is that while Boobie is a great nickname why can't the announcers call him Daniel. I am sure when the ABC sideline reporter interviews him at halftime and they say "Well Boobie..." he is wishing that the cameras weren't rolling so he could punch the guy right in the face for being so damn dumb. A nickname is something that friends use for one another as a term of endearment or sometimes to poke fun at someone but still in an endearing way. Now announcers all over the country are calling him Boobie as if they have been lifelong friends with the guy and are going out for a beer with him after the game. That really gets under my nerves...but I digress.
Gibson is probably the only Cavalier I really enjoy watching, withholding Game 3 of the Finals he has been the only teammate Lebron has been able to rely on on a consistent basis for some semblance of an offensive attack. He has a terrific jump shot and nerves of steel. Plus he is so damn humble and reserved. I watched the Detroit series and he probably hit 6 three pointers that if I had shot and they had gone in I would have probably been labeled the most obnoxious player since Bill Lambeer leaping and pointing and yelling like I had just gotten a date with that hot junior in my chemistry class. But Gibson buries the threes and doesn't even leave his hand up, he starts jogging back up court with a look of complete indifference on his face. Even when he gets mugged by Lebron and the king of all muggers, Anderson Varejao, he still only smiles a little with his teammates and still refuses to acknowledge how surreal it must be for him to bury a 3 pointer right in Chauncey Billups' face.
He also is the only one capable of playing decent defense on Tony Parker because he can match Parker in quickness. In doing so he alleviates the burden Lebron has to carry as the Cavaliers' White Knight. After watching Parker practically walk through the lane in Games 1 and 2 with Larry Hughes and Lebron guarding him it was a breath of fresh air to watch him struggle to get past Gibson who used his quickness to stay with Parker enough to frustrate him. Maybe next year Mike Brown will say, "Hey, I know he is my best point guard, and the perfect sidekick for Lebron's drive and dish, so I guess I will give him some minutes. But not too many because even if Larry Hughes limps around the court like Captain Hook, he is a tough dude for playing hurt so he gets my minutes."

Sasha Pavlovic:
This is the guy who I think has the most redeemable qualities out of the muck that is the Cavs team behind Lebron and Gibson. He shoots the 3 very well for a guy his size and is also about 80 percent from the free-throw line on the season and normally those two qualities have a way of making a player worth keeping around for awhile. I understand that this is his first season playing significant minutes and he is still very young with a lot of potential, but c'mon, the guy is 6-7 and 210 pounds with ball-handling skills of a point guard and good speed. Yet he has still been a complete non-factor in every single playoff game the Cavaliers have played this year. Every game I watch him play I always think he has the ability to abuse the normally smaller defender that guards him but he just sits around the perimeter waiting for the drive and kick instead of using his size to maybe try to get to the free-throw line more than twice a game.
The guy is softer than a down pillow. He hasn't scored more than 17 points in any of the playoff games and he is two best games came against New Jersey when Vince "Boy Defense really excites me" Carter was pretending to guard him for 40 minutes. Now all of you must be sitting around saying well Mike is exaggerating, he must drive to the lane at least a few times. The answer is no, I am not exaggerating and no, he doesn't try to take his man off the dribble, ever. The Spurs are blatantly leaving him open to try and make him be the member of Lebron's court to beat them. They even double teamed Gibson occasionally. Now I am not a math whiz, but a double team on Lebron and a double team on Gibson absolutely has to leave Pavlovic open yet he went just 5-15 from with floor and only 3-9 inside the 3 point arc. That's just pathetic I am sorry. Hopefully he will improve as he gains playing experience. But he really better hope so.

Drew Gooden:
Now I am not one to point fingers, but Drew Gooden is largely responsible for the Cavaliers losses in the first three games of the NBA Finals. As much as Pavlovic has been a non-factor in the playoffs Gooden has probably been twice as bad. His numbers are somewhere around his season average of 13 and 8 but his impact on the game is much farther down the list probably at around 0. Sure he scores 13 points, but he goes head to head against Tim Duncan and so not only are his stats nullified by his lackluster defense has put Cleveland in the negatives in the matchup of power forwards. Plus I may be the only one who gets this feeling, but it seems to me as if Gooden may want to win a championship but he really doesn't like playing 4th option in the offense and deferring to players like Gibson and Pavlovic.
His attitude and general disinterest in everything that Mike Brown and his teammates have to say is best exemplified by Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals. Millions of viewers on TV and everyone within 200 feet of the Cavaliers bench could hear Lebron and Coach Brown plead with Gooden not to leave his feet on a three point attempt because it could possibly result in a foul that would lead to potential game tying free throws. So what does Gooden do, he leaps about as high and as far as he possibly can and takes an enormous swipe at the buzzer-beating attempt by Chauncey Billups. I can just see Danny Ferry lying in his bed praying to whoever will listen that Drew Gooden will hurt himself playing video games, or shoot somebody at a strip club so he can void his contract and play somebody, anybody other than Drew Gooden.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas:
Now I have always been a fan of the big man from Lithuania. He has been a model of consistency and before Lebron James was an Eastern Conference All-Star for a number of years. Granted the East has about as many good centers as Tom Brady has pregnant girlfriends (2) but still he was able to average something around 18 and 10 for a guy with a limited skill set. He also has been the only player on the Cavaliers team to outplay his counterpart on the Spurs. His opponent Fabricio "Oh Boy" Oberto has been manhandled on the glass, just look at the 18 rebounds, 10 of them offensive, that Ilgauskas grabbed in Game 3 playing by far his best game of the playoffs.
Now for the more negative aspects of his game. My friends and I went to a recent Cavaliers-Celtics basketball games and of course since the Celtics are terrible I rooted solely for Zydrunas Ilgauskas. The really sad part was every time he touched the ball within 15 feet of the basket my friends and I would all simutaneously yell, "running jump hook" and as if on cue Ilgauskas would take one step, lumber across the lane and throw up an ugly jump hook that had puking involuntarily for much of the second half. His major problem is that when he runs, or jogs, or walks, he looks like a luxury liner crossing the Atlantic Ocean and he is more predictable than a Rasheed Wallace technical foul. His defense is mediocre, He is 7-3 so he certainly is hard to shoot over, but its really his offense that has the Spurs showing such a obvious lack of respect for his ability to hurt them. That being said he is also my favorite player on the Cavs. I hope someday he and Arvydas Sabonis travel to Massachusetts and decide to get a civil union and maybe get a reality tv show. I think I would watch that every single time it was on. I mean c'mon it can't be worse than Pirate Master or the Real World Reunited. Maybe the show could be them going one on one against each other everyday. I dare you not be to intrigued, I dare you!


In short, Thanks Cavaliers for ruining an NBA Finals, and thanks America for proverbially humping the Cavaliers like my next door neighboor's dog does to my unsuspecting hapless little brother.